Bible Style

Now, ol’ Samuel done went and spoke to the Lord’s chosen one, Saul. An’ Saul was tall as a beanpole, with a heart as pure as a hound dog’s bark. But he was shy as a possum in a trap, so Samuel had to give him a little push. “You gonna be king, boy,” he said. And Saul said, “Shucks, I don’t know if I’m ready.” But Samuel just smiled and said, “Don’t you worry none, the Lord’s got ya back.” So Saul done went and took his place as king, and he done a mighty fine job of it too.

Well, hoo-wee! In 2 Samuel, ol’ David done gone and got himself into some mess with Bathsheba. That feller couldn’t resist a pretty lady, no sir. But he repented and God forgave him, so it all turned out okay in the end. Y’all just gotta watch out for them temptations, ya hear?

Well, y’all, ol’ Joshua done took over fer Moses and led them Israelites across the Jordan, ’til they reached Jericho. And I’ll tell you what, them walls come a-tumblin’ down! After that, they went on a tear, takin’ over all sorts of towns and land. The Lord was with ’em every step o’ the way.

Well shoot, them Judges was somethin’ else. They was like the kings of the holler, keepin’ everybody in line. But they was also quick to throw down some smite if you stepped outta line. It was a rough time, but them Judges made sure things stayed fair and square.

Well lemme tell ya ’bout Ruth, she was a real go-getter. She done left her own country to follow her mother-in-law, Naomi, back to Bethlehem. She done worked hard in the fields and caught the eye of Boaz, a wealthy landowner. He sure took a likin’ to her and they got hitched. Ruth done become part of the family tree that led to King David and even Jesus himself. Talk ’bout a success story!

Well, reckon ol’ King David done passed on to the great beyond, and now his boy Solomon’s sittin’ on the throne. One day, two women come a-squabblin’ over a baby, both claimin’ it as their own. So Solomon, bein’ wise as a hoot owl, suggest they cut the baby in half and split it. One of the women’s all fer it, but the other says to let the other woman have the baby whole. Solomon knows right then and there who the real mama is, and gives her the baby.

Y’all listen up now, ’bout to tell y’all ’bout Elisha tha prophet. He done some crazy stuff like healin’ folks from leprosy and makin’ iron swim. And when some kids made fun of his bald head, he called bears to come and teach ’em a lesson. That’s some wild stuff, y’all.

Well y’all, let me tell you ’bout them folks in 1 Chronicles. They’s a whole lotta begattin’ goin’ on! From Adam to David, it’s a family tree that’ll make yer head spin. But don’t y’all worry ’bout keepin’ track, just sit back and enjoy the ride. And if you’re feelin’ fancy, grab a jug o’ moonshine and read along. It’s a hoot and a holler, I tell ya what.

Well y’all, in this here book of 2 Chronicles, we find some mighty powerful stories ’bout them kings of Judah. They was some wild and crazy fellas, let me tell ya. But ol’ King Hezekiah, he was a good one. He prayed to the Lord and the Lord saved him from his enemies. That’s some powerful stuff right there, y’all. So let’s all take a lesson from Hezekiah and put our trust in the good Lord above.

Now y’all listen up, this here’s Ezra. He’s headin’ back to Jerusalem with a buncha folks to rebuild the Lord’s house. They got some trouble from their neighbors, but they don’t let it get ’em down. With God’s help, they get ‘er done.

Now, ol’ Nehemiah done gone and built up that there wall like a boss. He had them Jews workin’ harder than a one-legged man in a butt kickin’ contest. But, they got’er done and the wall was standin’ tall. Yeehaw!

Well howdy y’all, listen up now cause I got a story to tell ’bout a little lady named Esther. She was a purty thang, let me tell ya, and she was married to the King of Persia. But one day, that King got himself all riled up and decided to get rid of all the Jews. Esther’s kinfolk was Jews, so she knew she had to do somethin’ ’bout it. She put on her Sunday best and went to see the King, even though it coulda got her killed. But she was a brave one, that Esther. She talked to the King and convinced him to spare her people. And that’s why we celebrate Purim today, y’all. Ain’t that somethin’?