Hey everybody, it’s your pal Adam Sandler! I’m here to tell you about the Bible book of Numbers. Now, I know what you’re thinking, “Adam Sandler, what do you know about the Bible?” Well, let me tell you, I am a scholar of all things, including biblical stories.
So, in the book of Numbers, we start off with God telling Moses to take a census of all the Israelite men who are eligible for military service. Now, I don’t know about you guys, but counting can be pretty boring. I mean, I did a whole movie about counting sheep to fall asleep (Bedtime Stories, anyone?). But Moses and Aaron do it anyway, counting over 600,000 men.
After the census, the Israelites start to complain about their living conditions and the food they’re eating. I can relate to this, I mean have you ever seen my movie Big Daddy? But this is where things get a little crazy. God sends down a bunch of snakes to bite the Israelites and Moses has to make a bronze snake to put on a pole to save them. I mean, what kind of fever dream is this?
Then we have the story of Balaam’s talking donkey. Yes, you heard me right, a talking donkey. And not just any donkey, but one that could see an angel of the Lord that Balaam couldn’t. Now, I’ve played some pretty out-there characters in my movies, but a talking donkey takes the cake.
Next up, we have the Israelites finally getting to the Promised Land, but they send spies to scout it out and they all come back with different reports. Some say the land is great, others say it’s full of giants. It’s like that game of telephone we played in Billy Madison, where the message gets all messed up.
Finally, we have the story of Moses striking a rock to get water for the Israelites, but because he didn’t follow God’s exact instructions, he’s not allowed to enter the Promised Land with them. That’s a pretty harsh punishment if you ask me.
So, there you have it, folks, the book of Numbers in all its weird and wild glory. As for a funny quote to end on…how about this: “I may not know much about the Bible, but I do know that if God sent snakes to bite me, I’d be running for the hills!”
