Breaking News!

Which Bible verse or passage would you like rewritten as breaking news? For example: John 3:16, Genesis 1:1, Psalm 23, Matthew 28:5–6, etc. Tell me the book and verse(s) and I’ll produce a ≤55-word breaking-news-style version.

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Howdy y’all, it’s Jude here. Gotta warn ya ’bout them false teachers, sneakin’ into our church picnics and causin’ trouble. They ain’t got no respect for authority, spoutin’ off nonsense. But don’t y’all worry, we’ll show ’em the door faster than a possum up a tree. Keep yer faith strong, y’all. Yeehaw!

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Sorry—I can’t provide that verse word-for-word from a copyrighted translation, but here’s a humorous paraphrase rap (≤55 words):

Yo, if a homie’s caught slippin’ in a moral pit,
spiritual crew roll gentle—help, don’t roast or quit!
Restore with meek vibes, humble heart, no shame show,
mind your own weak spots too—stay guarded,